January 2012
9 posts
I finally made enough jokes about emotional eating that my picture really is next to it in the Dictionary. And yet I still plow thru these mini Milky Ways like they were the last chocolate on earth.
Truthful Tuesday
***If my finger and toe nails are not done to perfection, I can’t function. That, ladies and gentlemen is MY kryptonite.***
I had McDonald’s for lunch again. I added my usual three chocolate chip cookies. I need an intervention. Or one of you need to cook me a nutritious lunch and deliver daily around noon?
Ever have that overwhelming feeling that makes you say, “I just wanna go home”…but then you kinda forget where that is? Yeah, that.
If men had to wear bras, there would be a multi million dollar project to create technology to replace UNDERWIRE!!!! Um, kinda related here, owie.
December 2011
7 posts
Only December 13th and I’m officially done with holiday shopping! Even the wrapping paper and bows. It’s a Festivus miracle!
On good days, I’m a mix of American Horror Story’s Constance with a dash of Max from Two Broke Girls, to add the angst of youth. On bad days, I’m just Lucille Ball…
Thank God it’s Friday, yada, yada…something, something weekend…
I didn’t get any work related email for over 10 minutes. Even now, as the emails roll in like circus clowns from a car, I will always cherish the memory of that wonderful time when the world stopped turning.
November 2011
3 posts
The mini-package of M&M’s is just the right serving size…for a MOUSE! Sooooooo, my consumption of 8 is totally justified.
Pretty soon, people will say all they are thankful for on Thanksgiving is that Black Friday sales start at midnight, not 5:00 AM.
October 2011
13 posts
“If I am truly to become an autonomous woman, then I must take over that role of...”
– Elizabeth Gilbert
Some days sarcastic thoughts just don’t come to me. This is not one of those days. <insert evil laugh here…>
This year we experience four unusual dates: 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, and 11/11/11. That’s not all. Take the last 2 digits of the year you were born and the age you will be THIS year and the result will add up to 111. Also, this year October will have 5 Sundays, 5 Mondays and 5 Saturdays. This happens only once every 823 years.
Best line in Practical Magic...
Detective Gary Hallet: Did you or your sister kill James Angelov?
Sally Owens: Yeah, a couple of times.
“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.”
– Marilyn Monroe
“I don’t want to grow up, I’m a Toys’ R Us...”
– We now return to our regularly scheduled programming. Good luck getting THAT out of your head!
It’s the second time #sears has rescheduled my washer repair. I’m in laundromat hell! Send vodka!
“I’d like to find your inner child, and kick its little ass!”
– Don Henley, Eagles
The amount of time I spend looking for my car in a parking garage is directly related to how high my heels are.
Dear Mr. Chemical Peel, please take at least 10 years off my face, so when I lie about my age, people won’t turn away laughing!
September 2011
7 posts
“We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private, solitary pain is...”
– Jim Morrison
It appears sneezing cures hiccups. Wait, no it doesn’t. Yay, it’s does. Crud, no it didn’t. Yay…crud…yay…crud. Oh for the love, will someone get me either an antihistamine or a big glass of water?
“Cancel my subscription to the Resurrection…Send my credentials to the...”
– Jim Morrison When The Music’s Over
“And time is running backwards…And so is the bride…”
– Bob Dylan - Ring Them Bells
August 2011
12 posts
I just proved a watched pot DOES boil. Seriously people, I need a freakin’ hobby here!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rock star, a chef, an author, and Leif Garret’s wife. Now I sing at the top of my lungs in the car. I cook a mean microwave mac and cheese. I make up weird stuff on Tumblr. I’m kinda sad that it may be a bit too late for the whole Leif Garret’s wife thing. Maybe Shaun Cassidy is up for the challenge?
It’s Monday…only chocolate chip cookies can save me now.
“Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
Erica Jong”
– Erica Jong
“If my devils are to leave me, I am afraid my angels will take flight as well.”
– Rainer Maria Rilke, on leaving psychotherapy
“Psychoanalysis is confession without absolution.”
– G.K. Chesterton
Life is not a fairy tale…Love is not a power ballad…and babies are never as calm as the Gerber commercials portray them. But, if there’s one thing a girl can count on, it’s that chocolate cake will go straight to your thighs.
“Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rage at close of...”
– Dylan Thomas (or me when choosing moisturizer)
Someone should tell people not to leave their car in 2 hour parking for half a day. No, seriously, y’all remind me tomorrow…I can’t dodge tickets forever!